A perfect example of high budget crap. The only thing this movie gets right is the marketing. (Pat your selves on the back creative team behind that, you did a good job and are most likely responsible for 50% of the box office behind this movie.)
I felt as it was an absolute waste of my time.
This is a high budget movie, filled with top billing actors which are the only two saving graces of the film.
It all starts off with an extremely slow first act, filled with pointless character introductions and equally pointless CGI shots. Opening act feels as if someone watched a bunch of old movies thinks a movie is supposed to be but manages to entirely miss the point.
This movie has perhaps some of the worst writing I've seen since Suicide Squad and actually shares a lot of traits with it. An ensemble of famous people who play a bunch of over the top but flat and boring characters. It really is the Suicide Squad of non-superhero movies.
Out of like 13 people not a single character stands out or feels human. A bunch of loud douchebags. Everyone is written over the top and robotic. I can't blame it on the actors when the script is at fault but you could've just as easily cast Tommy Wiseau and have him run around and yell "I did nawt kill her, I did nawwt".
The whole plot revolves around a separate crime that we as an audience do not care about in the least. The main character Hercule (I had to look up the names to write this) feels like a cheap Sherlock Holmes and completely fails to portray the "careless genius" who is superior to everyone (also who reads Dickens, which makes it worse). They try to establish him as the greatest detective in an opening scene that is so basic and predictable that I as a viewer "solved the crime" minutes before the answer is presented, at which we were supposed to be impressed. The casting itself was terrible, they just shoved any A-lister who would say yes with a bonus of an unnecessary amount of bad accents. The rest of the characters were so forgettable I'm not even gonna bother telling you about any of them.
The mystery itself felt bland and disconnected. I did not feel engaged at all throughout the movie and kept looking at my clock. The murder, all the clues and revelations felt like they were just dragging out the movie. It was in fact so bland that the Doctor Who interpretation of The Orient Express was just as good if not better.
The movie tried to have some comedic moments most of which fell extremely flat. However, the biggest red flag for me was the fact that I was laughing out loud at some of the most serious and important scenes of the movie - including its revelation and conclusion. I mean there's nothing more hilarious than a character barging into a serious scene with a gun yelling "NO, IM THE KILLER!"
Finally, the conclusion of the movie was not only predictable and boring (ruined a great premise/twist though) but just downright stupid. It even featured a possible sequel set up. (Which isn't gonna happen cause this movie flopped). I could keep on ranting about how much I didn't like this movie for a long time, but I'll spare you from it. You want to hear the good? Well, the cinematography was pretty good, also the costumes were great. That's about it.
I also just realized that Kenneth Branagh both starred as the main character and directed the film, which requires me to say: not a great actor but a worse director. This crime is on him.
So, if you want to go see an excellent movie that features a train, go watch The Darjeeling Limited, thank Wes and I later.
What was up with that "Last Supper" shot near the end?
I sighed out loud at it.
⭐️⭐️ 5/10 - Maybe watch it on a plane if there's nothing better? - 5/10 ⭐️⭐️